Champlin, Minnesota (AP)
In a stunning development broadcasted throughout the world of fantasy football this morning, Jesse McMonagle, owner and operator of the perennially punchless Business Time franchise, admitted to a behind-the-scenes transaction previously withheld from the rest of the owners in the Nordic Fantasy Football League. McMonagle admitted that he gave up Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall to Funky Fingers owner Marc Paige for DeSean Jackson, Carson Palmer and "some really sweet hair product".
McMonagle, pictured wearing the "product" while perparing for the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, didn't understand what the big deal was. "Dude, it's not like I sold my season out for some CVS mousse or something. This was Oscar Blandi Hair Serum, man. I'm not stupid. The stuff's got incredible sheen and hold."
Paige defended his actions. "C'mon (reporter's name withheld), you're just pissed because I thought of it first. You know that kid's a sucker for anything hair-related," Paige said after audibly sipping his Cap n Coke out of a pink straw. "The funny thing is, it's not even Blandi. It's John Frieda Original Hair Serum. Ha, ha, ha! What a sap."
The Funky Finger Productions owner also bragged about the player swap. "I got a top flight receiver and a solid QB for a third-string receiver, and a QB whose best receiver will be playing with one arm all year. Even I sometimes have a hard time believing how awesome I am. "
Hell's Satans owner Joe Barbeau agreed with Paige's assessment. Barbeau, who has been battling a prolonged bout of depression since his discovery of kicker Rob Bironas's groin injury, immediately perked up at the mention of Paige's name. "God, that guy (Paige) is awesome. He's got, like, a magnetism about him. My nipples get hard just thinking about his draft strategy," Barbeau said.
